"Happy" 1st Birthday Edy?
Instead of talking about this sad subject, I would like to first say I am watching a PBS special about skunks all by myself. I should be giving Edy a bath and getting her ready for bed. However, watching a nature special by myself on skunks pretty much sums it up.... THIS STINKS. I swear if I were a skunk I would spray every person in my path this past year that irritated me... that's quite possibly why I was created as "Carrie", not a skunk. This may very well be my Ambien talking.
So, sweet Edy was born 1 year ago. Oh, she was the most beautiful little baby. Not only was Edy perfect.... but she will always be perfect, she never had a chance to do anything wrong (something my daughter and stepson will never understand unfortunately).
What are we supposed to do? I am very uncomfortable eating birthday cake because I already had the perfect vision of what her very own cake would look like as she poked her fingers in it and then became irritated because it was on her hands. She was to be my sassy and beautiful princess and five minutes later be a crazy screaming dirty monster, and I was going to adore and enjoy every moment of it.
My family has a tradition comparable to A Christmas Story... when we don't know what to say or do on a holiday or occasion - we go eat Chinese. So, we will be having Chinese food tonight.
Emma did pick out a present for Edy, it's a bracelet set that says Big Sister and the other one Little Sister. Heartbreaking watching Emma eyeing those bracelets and look at me, wanting to ask if she could get them- but afraid I would start to cry in the middle of the store. I showed no tears and told her of course she could get the bracelets. She's awesome- used her own money too, which shows me what a selfless amazing child she really is. I wish Edy could grow up to learn that from her big sister.
It literally hurts my heart to know that I will never be able to tuck Edy in her bed, I will never hear her tell me "I love you Momma", never get to put a band-aid on a scraped knee, never get to gently tuck her hair behind her ear when it falls to her face, never get to see her stick her tongue out sideways as she tries her hardest to color within the lines, never get to hear her laugh so hard that she begs me to stop before she pees her pants, I will never get to let her win at board games, teach her how to paint the perfect Armani swirl or masterpiece on canvas. There are so many other things I think of daily that I will never get to do, but I will honestly tell you this... my brain is tired, what is left of my heart is being pressed into my chest by a circus elephant that loves to eat more than just the occasional peanut, my skin is a dull gray color (gone are the vibrant rose colored cheeks that I had up until Edy died). I am just tired, I am just so tired of being tired, so angry, so very very angry. Disbelief- that is how I feel today. Why am I not picking up a birthday cake for my baby? I AM A GOOD MOTHER AND SHE WAS A PRECIOUS BABY and we deserved to be together. I wanted her, we wanted her... her leaving us was NEVER an option. She died, and a huge part of me died with her.
So, I think in the future I will skip the Happy? birthday and just say "Today is Edy's birthday and we miss her so".