Our Sweet Girl

Our Sweet Girl
Our Sweet Girl

Friday, March 25, 2011

Fat & Happy? Or Just Fat?

Fat and Happy? Or Just Fat?

(Disclaimer- I never stay on the subject, ever. If you have had a conversation with me, you know I will cover nine different topics in a ten minute conversation, I apologize in advance)
I have asked myself this question since Edy died 6 months ago. Since her death, I have become a bit obsessed with wearing all of my maternity clothes, I suppose they make me feel closer to her since her little body was in the belly of my maternity clothes at one time and she was SAFE THERE. I believe my husband may be thinking he is sneaky by washing the clothes and putting them in a box in Edy’s room upstairs one tank top at a time, but I am secretly “on to him”.. .and I don’t have the energy nor desire to argue with him. I know he is doing this for my own wellbeing and to try and help me. I lost all of the baby weight after Edy died because I was so depressed and did nothing but lay in bed and stare at the wall for three weeks straight after her memorial service- no TV on, no reading, no nothing- just a blank spot on the wall that I stared at. Now, I have managed in the past 4 ½ months to gain about 20 pounds. I know it is a combination of emotional eating, my Ambien, being back at work and not having time to eat a healthy lunch (or better yet, the desire to pack a healthy lunch), not feeling ANY aspiration whatsoever to move unnecessarily (such as exercise)… but the biggest reason is, I LONG to feel like I am pregnant with Edy again. Sad, but true.

My 10 year old daughter is now being exposed to girls in her class bragging about how they don’t eat a lot because they want to be SKINNY. When she told me that, I felt sick. I wondered for only a second “where did these girls hear all of this crap?”. Then it all came flooding to my mind. I passed a sign today that said “Thin Is In”, while Wheel of Fortune was on at 6:30 pm we saw a Victoria’s Secret commercial of the girls strutting around in padded bras, panties that barely cover their “whoo ha”, butt cheeks hanging out, a perfect airbrushed tan, hair extensions for luscious flowing hair and silicone make-up patches to hide the circles under their eyes. I then had to explain to my daughter “honey, REAL people do not look like that, as long as you eat a healthy diet and stay active, you will be ABOVE the average person because the average American size is NOT what those Victoria’s Secret models are.” Poor things, you know they really would like to eat a sandwich.

No, I am not being hateful, I am doing what I would hope ANY mother would do- tell the truth and don’t encourage your daughter to aspire to look like that by starving herself and being malnourished. My daughter said to me the other day, Dad’s soon to be wife (that he has never introduced me to) said she thinks she is fat. My response was “that’s really sad if she wastes her time complaining about that and isn’t happy with her body”. Daughter replied back “She’s sooooooo tiny Mom! She has a great hour glass figure and wears extra small in shirts like you used to wear, I’ve never seen such a pretty hour glass figure though”. Ugh, that hurt to hear. Yes, I did wear a size zero pants and extra small shirts and dresses, but you know what? Looking back - when I was that small… I was SO UNHAPPY with a lot of issues in my life. My daughter is at a point where she always wants to be around her friends and they play outside, I feed her organic foods when I can, whole grains, a lot of fruit, plus odd cheeses for a child her age like Pick Wick Cheddar with Caramelized Onions so I am happy with that. Fyi- the “skinny bragging friends” are not present and don’t hang around with my daughter outside of school.

I have to worry I am not setting a good example for her but- I strive to eat healthy around her and I put on the biggest happy face for her. Its when she’s not around me that I eat a bunch of crap and don’t want to move. At least I do it in secret, I guess. Around my daughter I am not Fat and Happy or Just Fat. I am “heavier than normal and happy”, which is all that really matters to me- having a positive attitude and not complaining about weight around her.
So, I am so thankful to have food in my cabinets at home to eat at any time I want to. I chose to be whatever I feel like- fat, skinny, happy, sad, energetic, sloth-like whatever at this moment.
Isn’t the official word “it takes a year for your body to get back to normal after pregnancy”? If this information is true, the way I look at it is… I have 6 more months to do whatever the hell I want to...right?

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