Baby Edy's Tiny Feet Are Tattooed Everywhere!
When Edy died, I was so desperate for ways to remember her. She had the most beautiful EVERYTHING I had ever seen, but the only thing we had of hers on paper were her dainty feet. I was to miss out everything with her in the future, including her walking on top of my feet while I stepped baby steps with her. So, I set out to find the best tattoo artist in Memphis.
Dave at Underground was the popular suggestion of my friends. I needed someone compassionate and caring.... Dave was a tall man (everyone is tall to me) with a ponytail and of course tattoos. I explained my situation to him and the absolute beauty of sweet Edy Charlotte and how important it was for him to capture EVERY SINGLE CREASE in her sweet foot. I really think his eyes teared up (maybe I'm just convinced they did)... and I knew I had my new tattoo artist, he's a wonderful man!
I was to get Edy's left foot on top of my left foot and my sister was getting her right foot to cover up a dumb tattoo that she got at age 15 using my ID saying she was 18 (I was supposed to go back the next day to get the same tattoo as her, but I decided it was dumb, and she will hate me for telling that story : ) Sister was with me when I went on bed rest.. to cook, clean, visit- then at the hospital almost every day to bring me something besides nasty hospital food, visit some more and I had time to get her hooked on The Young & The Restless again.
We went, we were very somber and quiet most of the time- this was our tribute to Edy. Dave said you two are so calm! I told him needles don't come close to the pain of having your baby die in your arms, and yes- we are normally pretty spastic, but not today. My sister and I cried silent tears. Days later as my tattoo was healing I was soooo hoping my heart would begin to heal too. Tattoo healed beautifully, my heart was just "there".
**A lot of crying, fighting, grieving, laughing, crying again, etc happened between these two paragraphs, but it's really long to type right now.**
A few months later I was at the same tattoo place, seeing Dave with Edy's Neonatologist and NICU Nurse that were present from the day she was born until the day she died. They loved our tiny girl so much. I loved them fiercely for trying so hard to save Edy and taking care of us as parents. It was very difficult for me to talk to them after Edy died because the last time I saw them they were taking Edy off life support and crying with us when she died. I can't remember how long it was after Edy died- but we all began talking again. Dr. Nicole and I got the initial 1st meeting out of the way (it was like ripping OFF AN ENTIRE ROLL OF DUCT TAPE, not a band-aid) a tear filled reunion that has now turned into 4,382 topics of conversation every time I meet her! We cry, we are serious, but mostly we LAUGH until we CRY. I love it. I'm so glad they are in my life now and are considered my beautiful friends. Dr. Nicole & Nurse Nicole wanted to get Edy's footprint to remind them of all of the babies they care for daily. Of course, I am convinced they were so in love with Edy and knew her foot print was the most beautiful foot they have ever seen.This tattoo appointment was funny, spastic, serious and I waited to cry when I left. ( Nurse Nicole has children and no tattoos of their feet, I see that being an issue one day. hahaha)
Edy is in two different states now at two different hospitals. She walks around several NICU units with them, silently encouraging all of the other babies to fight.
Some would say what a difference a few months make when it comes to grief when you compare the two tattoo visits. Yes, I am able to form coherent thoughts now and actually listen to what people are saying, but that doesn't mean Edy isn't always in my thoughts.
Now for the latest news, Edy's "Honey" (my Mom) and Joe (my Stepfather) are getting Edy's foot tattooed within the next month. My mom is 55 and has never had a tattoo! I can only hope the next time I see Dave to bring them in, we are all in an even better place.
Having my sweet girls foot tattooed on soon to be a total of 6 people is truly a beautiful thing.
I hope all three ladies comment on this story so they can share their thoughts too!
I am so thankful to have every single one of my friends and family who didn't know what to say to me when Edy died, but REFUSED to ignore me and give me the silent treatment like some. I know in my heart, all of you know who you are- I love you all so very much.
First of all, thank you for posting the story of how I came to have a stupid mouse tattoo on my ankle (and for leaving out the more embarrassing details). Second, thank you for posting the actual picture of how perfectly Edy's little right foot covered it up. As soon as I was old enough to legally get a tattoo (using my very own ID), I regretted ever getting that dumb mouse. Every time I saw it, I cringed internally and every time someone asked what it was I tried to put them off and glaze over the very permanent dumb thing. Today, when I look at the place that used to be a source of shame, I see a perfect, tiny footprint from our Edy. I carry her with me everywhere.
ReplyDeleteI could never believe that everything happens for a reason. That God had his reasons for taking Edy, or any of that rubbish... I do choose to believe that God does take what has happened and uses it. There is something here, I think... Although I would much prefer to live in a world where Edy still lives and I still have a dumb mouse tattoo.
I keep thinking about this time last year and my heart just breaks all over again. It's amazing how used to this pain I have gotten. It hasn't gone away and I doubt that it will, but I am getting used to the way it feels. It doesn't mean I miss her any less or that my heart doesn't ache for her. It absolutely does. Still, there are times when my guard is down and I am overcome with grief and sadness washes over me like a tidal wave. Acceptance seems as far away today as it did the day she died. I don't know if that will ever change.
Today I am proud and honored to have an Edy footprint. She reminds me to be strong and to endure. I will always be her Aunt Eli and she will always be my perfect niece.
I love you, sister.